The Carmen In Me

As many of you know, I recently began a very serious new health program. To get myself started on the right track, I went to a Nutritionist and found out exactly what I should and should not be eating (turns out I can pretty much eat whatever I want - and that the Canada Food Guide is a valuable resource). She encouraged me to be more active, and I made her a promise that I would be.

So home I went and surveyed my collection of workout videos. I have the ever popular (and very effective) Winsor Pilates and a ridiculous number of Core Secrets DVDs (featuring Gunnar Peterson - trainer to such well-known celebrities as J.Lo and Ben Affleck - they actually had a territorial war over him when they broke up). I knew that I was going to start going to a yoga class once a week as well. I made up a schedule of which videos I would do on which days to optimize their benefits - and then I started my program.

A few days into my program I decided that I needed to have some sort of Cardio (actually - that might have been Jason telling me that without Cardio none of my efforts would have any effect on my body). I thought and thought - which videos out there would be the best? And after some research and careful consideration, I settled on Carmen Electra's Stripper Aerobics.

I proudly brought home the boxed set and started right away on the first video. It was tough - little did I know that I had to actually learn dance moves! I was so busy trying to remember what the hell I was suppose to be doing next that I forgot how flipping hard it was. And let me tell ya... the next day I felt some muscles that I had NO idea even existed. So I've been working on that first DVD. I'm getting better. It took me a little while to get a handle on all the dance moves - and I'm finally at the point where I can put my all into each dance because I know what's coming next. It's an arduous task to try to learn these things.

Yesterday I had some spare time, and I thought to myself "I should try the next DVD in Carmen's set". So I pulled out "Fit to Strip". The idea is that Carmen and her trainer take you through all the exercises that you will need to be a successful stripper and be able to do all the moves in the other DVDs. Essentially that equates to meaning: "You want to have a stripper's body? You'll pay for it in blood, sweat and tears!"

I think all people should take it as a sign - when the Trainer is SWEATING like a pig during the workout - that means that it's HARD. I thought to myself "Why is his face glistening so much? Oh... he's SWEATING. Oh... Those are DROPLETS running down his face. SHITE - this IS hard - it's not just me."

By the time I was done the damn hour long workout - I thought I was going to die. (Throughout the workout I was whispering - I couldn't muster the energy to yell - at the TV that I hated them. Both of them. Carmen and the Damn Trainer.) More than that - I had this sick feeling that I might puke. The water tasted like I might puke. My head was dead from pure physical exhaustion - not to mention those poor poor muscles.

That puking feeling didn't go away until I started drinking beer at Bob the Fish.